You’ll fall out of love with me one day. I’ll push you away. I can’t help it. I don’t want to love you this much. It scares me. It’s fucking pathetic that i’m the happiest i’ve ever been and yet i’m determined to push everyone away because i’d rather be lonely than vulnerable and at risk of being hurt again. I’d rather have nothing than have the possibility of losing everything. I don’t want to rely on anyone or give them the opportunity to let me down. I’m incapable of believing that anyone could like me, let alone love me. I’ve had my flaws thrown in my face so many times that i can’t remember any of the good things about me anymore. I’ve learnt that doing everything for myself gives me some kind of control. Now i’m stuck in that habit and being with someone who wants to look after me and help with things is making me feel like i’m losing control. I’m in panic mode. I never realised how much my last relationship had damaged me :( I’ve learnt to live in this bubble where expecting anything positive to happen was unrealistic and stupid. Who am i? This is not me. I’m an OCD recluse. I can’t remember what self esteem even is. I still get upset if i don’t have time to straighten my hair before i leave the house or if i have to wear leggings because my jeans are in the wash because Ross used to put me down about things like that all the time. I have a perfect little boy. I have a guy, my soulmate…my best friend, who i adore and who wants to look after us and i can’t let him in. I’m frustrated and irritable and just generally defensive and all because i feel like i’m losing control. And yet i’ve never felt safer or trusted someone more. He doesn’t deserve the shit that he puts up with. I wish i had left Ross while i was pregnant. Trying to make our family work and fix us wasn’t worth the emotional damage it caused. I don’t even know who i am anymore. This has to stop. Things have to change. I can’t live like this. How do i fix this?
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